pOkE the pLaNeT

Greetings again.

I havent posted since God knows when and the excuses that follow are not only original but true. If they dont suffice feel free to whack me with a Zima bottle next time we meet.

Training. I started training on a new aircraft type in late August last year and finished in early July this year. Thats ten months to go from opening the first book to passing the final check flight, and it required all of my attention, as did my drinking. I could describe in detail what happens when you learn to operate a new aircraft type but wont unless someone requests it. Suffice to say its a royal pain, like counting grains of rice with a pair of tweezers at two am.

My job description involves working with flight attendants and Ive been watching the recent story on the JetBlue flight attendant with interest. My take is he scores nines all round for artistic merit, difficulty of execution and originality, and would have scored tens if he had actually drank the beer while heading down the chute. Yeah, Ive seen the comments that the slide deploys at '3000 psi' and he could have killed someone. Well, no. Ask a flight attendant about their training and constant reinforcment of operational drills and it would have been near impossible for him not to have visually cleared the deployment area. Also, slides deploy gradually, not with a bang. Im giving him two thumbs up and %$%$ the passenger.

We have an election here in Australia this coming weekend and apart from the usual suspects one of my friends is running for senator. No kidding... I believe that all he needs is 9% of the vote and he gets to sit in the senate. The best bit is the party hes running for, namely the Australian Sex Party (www.sexparty.org.au). No, its not an X rated site and no Im not directing you to virusville. The ASP is a real Australian political party active in the senate with real policies. An official description would be progressive libertarian, but to be more acurate its linked to a trade organisation that represents the sex industry in Australia (Eros). Interestingly one of the senate candidates is a champion pole dancer, the first to hold that distinction I believe since Orin Hatch.

Me, I vote for the Fishing and Lifestyle Party in the senate. I own an SUV and like to kill sea kittens for pleasure and this party works for me. Australia has more than its fair share of parties and you can find a list of them at www.aec.gov.au, this being the site of the Australian Electoral Commission. Even the Communist Party has a spot on the ballot.

K

Bring your kid to work day.

After the recent thing at JFK where a controller allowed his child to use the radio to clear aircraft for takeoff, Ive had people tell me it was ok because everything was under control, and others say it was a silly thing to do. Heres my two cents worth.

First of all it was against the rules, so as far as the authorities are concerned thats that. The other question was whether it was safe to do this, and I heard controllers and pilots say, yeah, it was, because the child was under close supervision all the time. I disagree for a number of reasons. One reason is an Aeroflot Airbus flight where a child was placed in the pilots seat 'under close supervision' and the plane went in despite the best efforts of the well trained crew.

Pilots are under enormous stress when they operate airliners... not so much in cruise flight where they drink coffee and talk crap and compare motorbikes, but more so at the critical phases of flight. The absolute peak periods are takeoff and landing, and the start of the takeoff roll is a bit like the first incision in an operating room. The last thing you need is the introduction of an unknown element that creates uncertainty and being cleared for takeoff by a kid is a whopper. Some pilots will accept it and fly off laughing, some will grumble, and some will stop the takeoff and demand clarification. That means the planes behind me waiting for takeoff or the one coming in for a landing now have to wait while the runway is cleared, and one thing that sends the odds of an accident or incident through the roof is an unexpected go around by a landing aircraft. Anyone who doubts that airport communication is critical should note that the worlds worst aviation accident at Tenerife was caused by a communication issue.

Theres also the training issue. Pilots are constantly under training and under review, sometimes by a captain seated beside them and sometimes by an examiner on the jumpseat. This happens every six months for each pilot and this is about as stressful as it gets short of a actual emergency, so now the pilot being examined has to think... does he accept the clearance from the kid and fail his line check (because the clearance wasnt legal) or refuse to accept the clearance and block a runway causing a plane behind him to go around?

This is just the basic stuff. I havent even touched the issues of distraction in the tower, runway incursions during periods of confusion, radio security etc etc. From my point of view this wasnt safe at all.

K

In the last few months Ive been training on both the Boeing 767 and the Boeing 757, and its an interesting exercise. Many years ago if you were an airline pilot you generally flew only one type of aircraft, say a 747 or a TriStar or a DC10. Then companies like Boeing and Airbus started to pitch common type training at the airlines. It goes like this... instead of having one bunch of pilots for the long range fleet and one bunch of pilots for the short range fleet, why not make the two planes similar enough that the same pilots could swap back and forth? Hence the 767/757 where one pilot can legally fly either aircraft type because they have so much in common.

Except they dont. Sure, the systems are pretty close as is the cockpit layout, but there are enough differences to make you think. First, what they have in common:

The cockpit is covered in walrus vomit brown plastic and brown paint. All I can think is Boeing got a great deal on this shade and it helps keep the pilots awake because waking up with this in your face could cause a heart attack. Stowage for documents in any aircraft is never enough but in Boeings its awkward. The fully electronic seats are ok (but I much preferred the old manual Fokker seats), the controls are nicely sized (european aircraft seem to have smaller dials, smaller knobs and levers) and the aircon is brilliant. We had aircon systems on our Fokkers that used to get contaminated to the point where nothing worthwhile came through. On the Boeings you could chill beef with the things.

The differences? Boeings can come with any of three different engines, and memorising the different operating limitations is like memorising a small address book. The 767 handles like an apartment block off autopilot, at least in the early days, but the 757 handle very nicely indeed, not unlike a Fokker. All thats missing is a gunsight and a couple of cannons. In turbulence the 757 is pure misery... it has a nice long wing and a long thin body and sitting at the extreme nose you get bounced around. The 767 feels far more solid in turbulence.

The big difference though is on takeoff and landing. I hate the 767 because Im a ham fisted pilot and this plane has pitch and bank tolerances that need a lot of respect. What that means is the body is so long and low that when you pull the nose up on takeoff the tail comes within 24 inches of the ground. Have only one engine working during rotation and it can come within 12 inches. Mess up your speeds and it gets even worse. The 757 on the other hand has much better clearance with nice long legs and a high body. After years of flying planes with engines mounted on the body I am now flying planes with engines slung under the wings. Thats a bit of a stressor because it means the engines are now close to the ground and a bad crosswind landing can mean a 'pod strike'. which means hitting the runway with the engine pod.

Planes really do have personalities. So next time you're at the airport and you see a 767 take off, watch how close the tail skid (theres a retractable one to protect the body) comes to the runway at liftoff. 24 inches for a plane weighing 185 tonnes doing maybe 160 knots is something worth watching.

K

I work in the airline industry and every once in a while you change fleets and they put you on a new aircraft. Usually that isnt such a big deal but I am now going from flying domestic on medium jets to flying purely international on heavies. Apparantly this is a move up though I would disagree... it just means I fix light fittings in asian hotel rooms instead of domestic ones.

Heres how it goes. You go from being a captain on a domestic jet to being a first officer on an international one, in this case a Boeing. You start by doing three months of ground school and simulator training and emergency procedures stuff which includes learning how to operate the doors in an evacuation etc etc. Two points... everyone whacks their tail bone on the bloody emergency slide at the 747 simulator and no one gets in the liferaft without assistance in the pool exercise. The good news is that if you mess up in the raft seating exercise you have to move around a lot and its a God given opportunity to bump into wet flight attendants in bunny suits, some of them even being female. Mess up too often and they get suspicious.

After you pass the initial training you do line training, which is where you fly around for a couple of months with a training captain. Its bad enough on domestic but on international the learning curve is massive. You also see how aviation is done in different countries and to be honest I want my comforter back. Examples:

Taxying around Narita airport in Tokyo you notice security barriers right where the middle of where runway 34R should be. Why? When they built the airport the farmers who own the land went all militant and to date they havent been able to take over the land where the middle of the runway was planned, so they have security barriers surrounding the farms. Go on to Google Map, look up Narita Airport Tokyo and spot the farm where the runway on the north side of the field should be.

In Manila the precision approach aids dont work and the taxiways have potholes, and the crew hotel has a strip joint in the basement which seems to account for all of the pilots allowances in one evening. In Singapore they frisk you getting OFF the plane before allowing you into the terminal, at least when you come from Manila. Its all very interesting but if I have one more security employee grope my crotch looking for a weapon Im insisting they buy me dinner afterwards.

The tough part? Apart from interpreting the instructions from the controllers (except for San Francisco, who handle air traffic over Micronesia), its getting used to the sleep pattern. I now sleep until 11.00 am and stay awake until three am, because all of our flights run from dusk till dawn. I feel like a vampire with a samsonite.

K

It's been what seems like forever since we've been to the Balkans. We will be heading out this friday, flying into Dubrovnik but catching a bus down to Montenegro straight away. Was in Crna Gora (Montenegro) 2004ish last but it was at the end of a 3 week jaunt so I am kinda fuzzy on the memories. Mostly I remember eveywhere we ate always seemed to total 13 euros no matter how much we drank, Bill got nosey & coulda got shot and the locals were nice. Our 3 weeks will also encompass Albania, which we've never been to. Except for the capital Tirana, it is said to be more "rustic" of the balkan region and I can't wait! Maybe if there is time we will go to Macedonia and/ or Kosovo. This is a fact finding mission so I hope 3 weeks will be enough time to learn what we need to know.